An Open Letter to My Bedbugs.

This is why you never dumpster dive for mattresses. You never know where that shit's been.

"Then came August. I was dealing with being hivey all the time and rashy some of the time and generally very uncomfortable, but I was dealing, you know? And then you showed your faces. Literally. See, I have it figured out now. The grandaddy of all bedbugs came to play, didn't he? He must have been starving because he gave me three bites I just couldn't ignore. I mean, these were nasty, bright red and the size of a penny and really fucking itchy. That's when the lightbulb went on, bitches. There was something FUNKY going on in my bedroom and I was on to you, I just didn't have a clue that you were so stealthy. Really, you are. But I looked you up. God bless the internet. Yep, I Googled your asses and when I typed in "bites while sleeping," there you were. You are some ugly motherfuckers, too. I'm not just saying that because you've been stealing my blood without my knowledge or consent, either. You are really ugly."

Quite an entertaining read. See the complete letter.